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Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West – The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

SYRACUSE, NY—Documenting intense activity in the pleasure centers of subjects’ brains, a study published Thursday by neuroscientists at Syracuse University has found that unleashing anger in unhealthy and inappropriate ways is among the most satisfying experiences a person can have.

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BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

 

LOS ANGELES—Hollywood leading man Brad Pitt hissed and skittered away into the safety of the woods surrounding his house Friday after reading a screenplay from his agent and detecting the musk of fellow actor Chris Pine on its pages, numerous sources reported.

 

Following last week’s deadly Paris attacks and numerous other violent incidents perpetrated by the terror group ISIS, many governments and populations worldwide are wondering how we can eliminate this threat. Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:

 

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Friday by the Pew Research Center, 23 percent of Americans would vote for Jeb Bush in the presidential election if the Republican candidate was standing directly beside them in the voting booth.

 

 

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