Why I Broke Up With Taylor Swift

Mathematically speaking, our romance had as much chance of working out as those cars did in colliding. The whole thing was risky from the start. Someone was going to get hurt. That’s just how high-stakes claim adjustment romance works.


Right away, Taylor had very strong feelings for me. Honestly, it wasn’t a total shock. Women appreciate a man who understands and avoids risk. Poor T-Swift had it bad for me, though.


Almost instantly she started talking about how everything had changed or how enchanted she felt. One time, we were playing mini golf and she said, “You belong with me,” right as I was about to go for a birdie. Come on! I needed that shot. I appreciated the sentiment, but it totally messed up my projected score for the night.


That’s not to say I didn’t have feelings for her. Tay appealed to me on a lot of levels, but she just wasn’t my dream girl. Sure, she was beautiful, successful and good at social media, but I was a young claims adjuster out on the prowl. Statistically, I could sleep with 2.84 other women before settling down and marrying. No math man could ignore those numbers.


A lot of people ask me why I broke up with Taylor Swift. I understand their surprise. I’m just a mild-mannered claims adjuster from Cleveland, and she’s the world’s preeminent popstar. One day, she’s in Berlin performing for a crowd of 100,000, and I’m in Wichita investigating a fender bender between two Toyota Camrys. What are the odds? Really! Two Toyota Camrys, both beige.



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